... and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions, and only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide."
I find myself straining to see the rainbows these last few days. I am having some acid reflux to accompany my general weariness and gut-sucky feelings, and that makes the idea of eating less-than-appealing. My exercise class on Monday was energizing and eye-openingly hard - I felt light-headed several times after the simple exercise sets (side squats, dead-weight lifts of 15 lbs, normal squats) and the balancing exercise made me acutely aware that my tingling feet and fingers are back.
And a lot of things just do not feel as important as maybe they once might have been. I am primarily talking about taxes - even though I am sure we are due a refund this year (again). I am quite tired of the pieces of my face that are continuously flaking off everywhere, and the accompanying feeling of sunburn. Let's just say that the weekly infusion of cetuximab (Erbitux), while not nearly as deadening as FOLFIRI, is no longer simply a task to endure. I now have a growing sense of dread surrounding it too.
Where is the optimism, Ed? Where is the can-do, get-through-this-too attitude? I am not sure. Last night I was really sad. Sadder than I ever remember being. I am glad to say that today was a ton better, and that I am not wallowing in self-pity. Hope still rings eternal, but the tone of the ringing has changed a little. I have to find a way to see the rainbow through the storm, and know I can do it. These last few days, though, have been hard.
I used to love to sing "The Rainbow Connection" in Kermit the Frog's voice. In fact, I think I could still pull it off today. It's a great song. Thank you, Jim Henson, The Muppet Movie and Paul Hamilton Williams, Jr.
"So we've been told and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong - wait and see. Someday we'll find it - the rainbow connection - the lovers, the dreamers, and me."